Connections after disconnection

So I called one of my oldest friends, which took a lot as I have always tried to be independent and not burden others, and had a discussion about my current situation. He knows me more than anyone, even after our radio silence, he has my back.

Jen, I know you! You are a nice person, which is good. But you have a habit of putting people first and forgetting yourself. It is like you don’t want to put yourself over others, but you have to.

And he was right. I know I did and still do everything for others. It is how I was raised. As someone who has gone through suffering myself, I hate seeing others suffer, so I try to alleviate that pain. No matter how lonely I felt in my previous relationship, I still have as much love as I had.

I reached out to a blogger who writes about mental health.

As someone who has her own MH feelings, she understood. After explaining how I stood by my partner through his storm and he couldn’t even stand in my rain that he dumped me, she finally gave me clarity. Gave me the answer I needed after pestering him for it. Demanding he tell me what I did wrong.

It was nothing YOU did. It is HIM. He can’t take care of himself yet, and in turn, he couldn’t take care of YOU.

My hate and rage toward him lessened. My email draft to him, where I stated I will never forgive him…. Is staying there. It will only serve as a reminder to myself how much power I lost this year and how I plan to take it back next year.

I have listened to my favourite podcasts again and the one bit of advice I have taken is to assess my values and if they are something I can go against. As someone who takes her values seriously, can I act against them? Can I be the sort of person I don’t like?

While I have been in a tail spin these past few weeks and acted out irrationally from my fear and sense of abandonment, I lost sight at what I did have while focusing on what I didn’t have.

I spent so much time feeling like I was alone through all of this. But the truth is, I’m not.

For me, it has been as simple as turning to my left and talking with my co-worker. Writing on here and having old friends see and reach out to me, telling me to call them. And even just calling friends. I wish I did that more.

After nearly losing a friend to his own hand this week, it woke me up big time to constantly stay within reach to those who love me. To be open to love still and not give up on it entirely just because I wasted some of it on some boy for the better part of this year.

As someone who blocked out love and avoided it out of fear and knowing it all ends, I see that will do no good either. Blocking out love because you don’t believe in it, manifests that into a reality. It becomes true.

When you have a fear to lose people, they will walk out from you trying to control that situation and trying to keep them. You slowly learn after each relationship and friendship, people leave and it will hurt. And each time, I get a little less cold. Still angry, but slowly keeping myself open to everything.

So I guess the short version of this post is this:

Stay open to love and keep your loved ones close. Trust yourself more than you trust anyone else. You are not alone. Trust what the Universe has to give you, other wise you will have nothing.

-W R E N

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